Sweeeeeeeet F*ck.
I went to the doctor and was given a clean bill of health save for the fact that my doctor reckoned I was due for some immunization. Two shots. I was hesitant but because she is tops I figured she must know best. That and her Medical Degree hanging on the wall. Still apprehensive, I asked – “Will these shots make me sick or prevent me from doing anything?” She quickly responds “No” and asks me what I am doing after my appointment. I tell her I am heading to the Nepean Sportsplex to swim a couple kilometres. She assures me there will be no issue.

Queue the nurse who instructs me to take my shirt off so that she has access to both shoulders. She goes on to explain that that one shot will go in my left shoulder muscle and one in my right arm fat. This stings, as do the needles, but I know I am a baby. Next I go wait to have blood taken. After waiting for at least 20 minutes in a room where the average age was 79, my name is screamed and I go get 5…………yes FIVE……..vials of blood taken. G-sus.

Finally done at the doctor; I head to the pool. My arm is a little stiff but seems okay. I proceed to swim 1km rather easily. Then. THEN my shoulder feels like it is being perpetually punched. I managed to swim for about 45 minutes and then I just gave up. It still hurts. It feels like I am 10 and my brother is punching me in the left shoulder. Again and again and again. If only this was the end of my pain and suffering.

I woke up the next day, later than usual and feeling rather lethargic. I proceed to the couch where I realise that not only have I lost my appetite but the idea of taking a sip of water makes me gag. Within 30 minutes of rising I am back in bed, unconscious. I spend the ENTIRE day in bed save for the SEVERAL occasions where I had to run to the can to throw up. Making use of a rare minute of consciousness I call my doctor’s office and query if my current state is a common side effect of the booster shots I received a day earlier. The nurse quickly responds no, and suggests that I must have caught a bug. Really?!? I was perfectly healthy 24 hours ago and this nurse reckons those shots had nothing to do with my frail state of health?? Bivitch please. Thankfully I woke up the following morning ready to take on the world. Moral of the story: DO NOT get immunized. Take your chances getting sick.

JLM

Recently while perusing on-line newspapers I came across this article and instantly felt the need to rant. I decided to broach the subject with my partner in crime, figuring she had a better pulse on reality TV and TLC programming in general, and I was proven right. Below are our different perspectives on the saga that has become the Gosselin’s life. It should be noted that we are unanimous in that not another minute should be wasted watching this garbage.

JLM – Has never seen one minute of an episode of J&K+8

Not being much of a reality television watcher (AI ended over a week ago!!), I was a bit oblivious as to who the hell Jon and Kate were and why I would possibly care that their marriage is in serious trouble. Adding to it, I am not a huge fan of children so any allure watching a couple held would quickly dissipate when eight, YES 8, kids were thrown into the equation. From what I can decipher, the program’s premise banked on the viewing public’s desire to watch a show about raising 8 kids. From the show’s ratings, it seemed that people were indeed NOT interesting in watching a couple raise 8 kids. That was until Jon’s apparent marital indiscretion. For now they are decidedly interested in watching a couple’s marriage fall apart; raising 8 kids in the process an added bonus. Correct me if I am wrong but divorce is not an anomaly in America; the divorce currently sitting at 50%. Would it not be more entertaining to invite several couples over to your house for dinner, weighing the odds and hoping for one couple to come to blows over the main course?? What I am eluding to is this: If you are sadistic enough to ENJOY other people’s misfortune and pain, why not get a live, front row seat to the sh*t show? Perhaps a better question is who’s behaviour is more abhorrent; TLC for continuing to film and promote the misfortunes of the Gosselin’s or the viewers who cannot take their eyes off the train wreck?

From what I have read, and given the hours of Dr Phil training I have had, I think it is safe to assume that their problems date back to high school. How much do you want to bet that Jon was the stud in high school; the gifted athlete who had the coolest friends and any girl he wanted? By contrast Kate was likely a complete dork, not book-worm, smart dork but just plain dork. Moving on to adulthood, Jon cannot figure out why he doesn’t get his way all the time, yet to the viewer it is obvious. He married the high school dork who has now turned into a controlling, my way or the highway monster. In short, Jon comes off as a cry baby who dreams of years gone by and Kate is a complete and utter bivitch!!!

ED – Regular viewer of J&K+8

Admittedly, I watched the season premiere of Jon & Kate plus 8. I mostly felt sad when it was all over. The series is about the raising of eight children, specifically sextuplets, and the kids played such a nominal part in the episode that I almost forgot we were watching their fifth birthday party. I tuned in Monday because of the hype, the same reason non-sports fans pile around a big screen to watch the superbowl but now that it’s over I’m officially tuned out!! I don’t need to watch the forty episode season that is going to result in the divorce we all know is coming. All the viewers would end up doing is taking sides and whose side do you really want to be on? Kate’s side: cold-hearted, controlling, mother of eight that was pained by the fact that some of her kids mistakenly called her by a caregivers name but still she chooses to spend more time away from home than not? The woman who is clearly bitter about the demise of her marriage, likely more so because it hinders her pocketbook then because she loves and respects the gutless infidel she, for now, calls husband. Or should we camp on side Jon? The man who appears to be void of responsibility and personality? Who likely fell for Kate initially because she agreed to run his pathetic show? The guy whose ambitions, at the time, seem to be more about banging a twenty-year old friend then planning or being present at his own kids’ party?

Who cares? Who needs to choose sides? Either way the results are the same. I think we should all boycott the series until it folds. Then we can resume watching in five or ten years when the series is picked up once again; however, aptly renamed: Jon & Kate minus Eight – The Emancipation Years.

Lastly, let’s take a poll: Whose head would you shave first?

a) Donald Trump
b) Kate Gosselin

I am in tears.

Turn your volume up and enjoy!!

 

…………………please tell me you get the joke! This advertisement is in the running for the The One Club’s award for best advertising. How can it lose??

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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn’t afford a larger bed.  So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.  A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, and put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The husband said to the doctor, “B Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2 , 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

 

This procedure also works in Newfoundland, Quebec and several southern States.

 

I have just received no less than six phone calls in a span of mere seconds from girlfriends alarmed at the size of Kelly Clarkson’s bum and looking for my opinion on her chubbiness and sorry physical appearance.   I can only presume I am contacted because I am a self described food snob and driver of the Fit and Trim Bus.  Because I have Bell TV, which is administered by satellite, there is a delay so I wasn’t quite sure what all the fuss was about.  I was admittedly tuned into American Idol but the triumphant alum had yet to appear on my television screen.  And then there she was.  ALL. OF. HER.  I just couldn’t help but focus on her fat arse and overall dishevelled look.  I know, I know…………being judgemental is poor form on my part.  But I am human and we humans are by nature judgemental, women more so. 

Honestly, I don’t think I heard a word she said to the ambiguously gay host Ryan Seacrest.  I don’t know what he was asking her but if it was me with the mic I would ask “What’s up buttercup?”, “What did you eat?” and “Did it taste good, was it worth it?”  I frankly couldn’t turn my attention from Clarkson‘s rotund, unkempt appearance.  The words that kept running through my head were train wreck.  This is a girl who has the world by the tail; she is by no means an underprivileged soul just trying to make ends meet in a troubled economy with KD and Twinkies.  YES, I understand that a successful career does not translate into a positive self image or having your sh*t together on the physical front…….blah blah blah.  Oprah is living proof of this hard life lesson.  I’m just sayin’.

Anyways, when I finally regained focus she was singing her new single titled My Life Would Suck Without You.  Um, that is neither a joke nor a typo; that is the title of her new song, honest.  As you might have guessed with such a title, the lyrics were no more ingenious.  I distinctly remember hearing Cuz we belong together now over and over and over again.  My thoughts wandered to what fatty food it was that she was singing about, what high calorie grub does she ‘belong together’ with?  I am awful, yes.  But cut me some slack this once; please!!!!  I have admitted to both watching American Idol and passing negative judgment about a girl based on her appearance.  These are no-nos in a civilized society, although I am not sure which is worse.  I have also provided Clarkson’s new video for you to form your own opinion.

You’re welcome, I think.

 

 

JLM

The man turned 69 today.  What is there to say, save for please refrain from roundhouse kicking me, sir?  Below are a couple Chuck tidbits sure to make your day; some facts about Chuck and a 30 second Family Guy clip. I laughed and I laughed!!

·         When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

·         Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

·         Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

·         Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

·         Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

·         Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.

·         There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

·         Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

·         Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

·         Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

·         Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

·         Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

 

 

JLM

 

In recent memory I have made several references to online dating and my friend’s success, or lack thereof, in pursuing love in the cyber world.  Recognising that it is poor form to pass judgement without fully educating oneself about a given subject, I decided to have a look-see at what I was mocking.  So a girlfriend of mine and I log onto her profile and she guided me through the site and the workings of meeting love online.  I am dying to get to her ‘matches’; I want to see who she has to choose from as this is all I ever hear my gal-pals talk about.  Jackpot, I am staring at a list of men who, as determined by a computer, are supposed to be compatible matches for my dear friend.  I take great interest in these bios that are available and I start to read each and everyone voraciously.  Then.  THEN. Queue a man named Sean.  

The most important thing Sean is looking for in a person is:

• Self-awareness. It’s important to me that someone “knows” who they are and what they want in all aspects of life. I would also add that intelligence is a big one for me – not in academic sense per say, but in a sense that we can hold conversations that go beneath the surface.*

Whaaaaaaa??  Whut?  Where am I?  For those of you wondering what my issue is with this bit of information go away and never come back it is the per say part.  Given that Sean would also like to add that “intelligence is a big one” for him, the irony that he misspelled per se is truly hi-larious.  Some advice for Sean: stick to what you know.  I draw my friend’s attention to this and she seems rather unaffected by it all, which puzzles me.  I ask my friend if her faith in e-Harmony is waning but she goes on to explain to me that this is a dating web-site that lends itself to successful matches; there is a fee which (presumably) only attracts those serious about finding true love. Lest we forget the survey one fills out which all but guarantees a diamond engagement ring within months.  My friend reminds me that she laboured through the arduous task of answering, and I am quoting here, “a bajillion questions which will hopefully weed out the duds”.  Not so much.  As much as I hate to burst her bubble I ask her if she thinks somebody might fib when answering the questions.  Crickets.      

The sad truth is that people do lie.  They lie to make themselves feel better, to get what they want or, in the case of online dating, to appear more attractive.  To suggest otherwise is ridonkulous.  How many of my friends describe their physiques as ‘athletic’ yet they have not seen the inside of a gym since they last played dodge ball?  The men who claim to be 6’0 feet tall.  Or how about the people who want a well educated partner yet have attained only a high school diploma themselves??  The way I see it the problem with online dating and the surveys they have you fill out is that they prime you to want what you can’t have.  The man or woman you want to be with is someone who is totally out of your league.  Why would a tri-athlete date a couch potato? Why would somebody who has he letters M.D. after their name date you, who couldn’t pass high school calculus?  I would love to date a well educated, tall, dark and handsome man, who could make me laugh, charm the pants off me (literally) and who has a Range Rover parked in his double car garage which is attached to his house for which he carries no mortgage.  Realistically, I have to ask myself would this man date me?? After all, I drive a Ford. 

*So flabbergasted was I that I actually took control of my friend’s computer, composed an e-mail to myself and copy and pasted that nonsense from Sean.

JLM

 

A wise man once said “Men are only as loyal as their options”.  Have truer words have ever been spoken?  Bill Maher has made a living out of saying what everyone else is thinking but too afraid to admit.  He intelligently delivers our own thoughts back to us, making us at once laugh and feel okay about our politically incorrect, judgemental attitudes.  Thank. You. Bill.  The point being made with this quote is that as long as women still find the likes of Sean Connery and Robert Redford attractive, the disparity between the perceived attractiveness of the sexes as they get older will persist.  Mick Jagger has relations with young women because he can.  Ergo your husband or boyfriend doesn’t cheat because his options are limited, not because he is loyal.  But Maher is not the subject of this entry, his declaration about loyalty is.  Specifically women’s loyalty.

Recently the movie Slumdog Millionaire and its cast have received excessive attention, taking home lots and lots of Oscars.  As expected, when unknowns ascend the Hollywood ladder and steal the limelight from others people go digging for a story to dislodge them from their pedestal perch.  Queue Freida Pinto and the stories of her deserting her (now) ex-husband.  Given that Bill has yet to touch on this subject I would like to take this opportunity to defend Pinto, with six simple words.  Look at the picture of him.  In no way is this intended to be a malicious or mean-spirited attack on Rohan, but please.  Should the reports be accurate, I don’t know how he ever got her.  She is an exceptionally attractive woman and he is hard on the eyes.  I can already hear you mumbling about her becoming famous and hence her options have increased ten-fold.  Still.  There is no way.  Think about the couples you know and the noticeable inequality in their looks, incomes, character etc.  Now multiply that by a trillion and you are getting close to Pinto and Rohan, BEFORE she got famous.  I guess my point is that the attacks on Freida are unfair and unwarranted.  This, my friends, is not an example of deserting or disloyalty but social Darwinism.  The species is just trying to correct itself.

As for Bill Maher, if you have nine minutes I implore you to watch the clip below.  If you have more time, just keep clicking on other videos.  I love this man.  I really, really do.

 

 

JLM

Given that we often shout our mouths off about current events, we would be remiss not to provide you the reader with updates as they occur.  Our opinion on Nadya Suleman and the birth of her octuplets focused largely on her infamy which we find objectionable.  Why?  Because this woman has neither the means nor the capacity to care for her brood, now totalling 14 children, many who have disabilities.  Or at least not as far as we can tell.  Given that she is concerned the hospital may not release her kids to her, our assumptions may just be spot on.  The central question is how this woman will provide for her family; she lives with her parents and has no job nor is she independently wealthy.  Speaking of her parents; her dad thinks she is certifiably crazy and there is video of her fighting with her mom.

SO how will she feed and clothe these kids??  Queue an offer to appear in a porno for a cool 1 million.  Ummm, errrrrrrrr……………not sure how to broach this subject as I am no expert on skin flicks, BUT this woman has 14 kids, and had eight at once.  Is this really the physique desired in these films?  Granted women’s bodies can rebound well, bud did you see the stretch marks picture of her before she gave birth??  Am I wrong here??

Anyway, as it turns out she turned this offer down.  Perhaps she is awaiting a better, more lucrative offer.  Initially people were keeping away from this train wreck but as each day passes another fly drops.  Oprah, an early hold-out, has given in and had the octuplets grandpa on her show.  (Thankfully I can go back to my original attitude towards her.)  Dr. Phil had Suleman herself on his show.  Again, if I may reiterate, this woman has gained notoriety for all the wrong reasons. 

 

Now, some good news.  If you recall, I was in Southern Florida and in one day was asked for identification to prove I was 21, and subsequently to prove I was 55.  Well, well.  Just yesterday I was asked what I was studying.  I asked the questioner what he meant by studying and received a perplexed look in return.  I laughed it off, saying that I was a bit old to be ‘studying’.  He quickly replied with “What are you, about 23, 24?”  It took all my self-control to not scream “Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Me!?!?” 

JLM